it felt a lot like before.
when we first spoke, almost.
but it wasn’t all the same
there was all that… colour from everything we’d been through and seen
two people who once shared so much
now simply speaking.
but it made me happy all the same
it felt correct and it was exactly what i’d been wanting without being aware of it
it was.
nothing excessive, none of that
no surplus of meaning or emotion
simply happiness
a hope that things aren’t as dead as they’d appeared.
new year.
belated merry christmas
and a belated happy birthday to me, too.
somehow I avoided that typical pattern of mine
and i didn’t write some heavy bullshit about Christmas or how the 28th felt heavy or whatever
no reflections about my birthday, my adjusted age… (although now my “who?” page needs modification) no. Nothing of the sort.
no speaking of the “tabula rasa” that is 2012, either.
Instead I opted to let everything sink in on its own accord
the end result is… unfinished.
My birthday was quiet, but good. Generally speaking I’ve felt very fulfilled as of late. Slightly homesick (as was to be expected come Christmas eve) but nothing terrible.
but this new year… Yeah. Nothing big, I guess. I just feel generally good.
confused
but generally very good.
it’s rather frustrating, facing things that you would love to say… but you know are better left unsaid.
I’m good but there are some relatively… aged matters that i’d like to re-address.
for the time being it is my burden to bear.
so
I’ve skipped out on the wordy reflections and whatnot
simply because it was a smooth transition, for me.
so again
Happy new year, reader.
(assuming i even have a “reader” now)
i feel as if i’ve truly been replaced.
With the events from yesterday coupled with some minor revelations today
i’ve realized it just may be for the better to completely forget about what i was trying to hang on to
and instead truly focus on here
now
and make the most of what i’ve just come to face.
this is slightly depressing for me, but it’s nothing earth-shattering. I’ll be back to the usual pacing soon enough
i know that I can manage to run whatever it is I’m going to throw myself into decently
yesterday is done
focus on today
worry about tomorrow when it becomes now.
that’s all i should do, maybe.
apply myself harder
Do generally more things
and lastly
just fucking forget about it.
this is better.
yeah.
there’s no way for me to make this coherent. I’m trying to process this all smoothly
but i can’t.
you somehow know how i work
maybe. It’s just a few sparse instances but ultimately you’re aware of a lot of things about me somehow
and this distresses me. It confuses me. It threatens me. It worries me.
and above all
it attracts me to you. So very much. So so very much.
this is what it’s like to think you’re placid
and have someone randomly come along
and pull things out from what you thought were your depths
as if they were your shores.
You somehow look deep into me
and this throws me off in so many ways
I don’t know how to make heads or tails of anything
i’ve come face to face with my own emotional Eldritch abomination, maybe.
or maybe this is just shock and it’ll wear off soon enough.
god i hope
there was supposed to be another entry before this one.
what was me forcing myself to write and then ultimately ending up with something passable… i guess.
but instead i’ll let it sit in some void
to gather some cyberspace dust
for a while.
i’m restless. Tired.
but restless.
i’ve decreed that I’m going to sleep after I listen to Cynic’s Carbon-Based Anatomy in its entirety.
(as far as EPs go it’s lovely… and i could say so much about where it takes me but this isn’t an album review. instead i’ll let the tones influence the direction of my writing.)
I always talk about how used I am to a sort of disconnection
and how i have this pervading sense of solace
being alone
even if i am not.
and again i say that it is not the loneliness that one needs to feel bad about
or anything like that
but merely that i’ve become used to processing information like this.
mental isolation is pleasant…
I’m thinking about when I can share this solace with someone again.
but then life often feels like it continually unfurls itself
slowly.
beginning as a knot and gradually untying itself
to reveal the contents deeper within
it’s a journey. A learning process. A constant discovery.
my youth coupled with what I have been going through just conjures words that have to do with that
travel and discovery
journeys
quests
whatever.
these words i can vaguely relate with… and i stress the “vaguely.”
immediately i’ve realized this could come off as terribly directionless
but i need to do some wandering, don’t i?
i’m nearing the end of the EP
and as a rule
must be going soon.
i want to keep going
and say so much
but right now
i need to piece everything together
it’s not appealing to me to just loosely throw everything out there
so now i’m going to spread myself out
and make of my sentiments what i can… until i’m pleased with how they come out as written things.
goodnight.
